Full disclosure, I wrote this over a week ago and was ready to send it but I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if they absolutely love Mother’s Day. I decided to send it anyway because I’ve been seeing more and more moms speak openly about their dislike for the day, so maybe I’m not alone in this feeling? Either way, you do you, by no means, this is me trying to change anyone’s mind about this day.
Ugh. Mother’s Day. Do you feel me?
I was never a fan of it, to be brutally honest, but something about it this year just has me totally put off about it. I’ve been seeing more and more posts on Facebook of moms complaining how their partners either a) have no idea when the day is b) haven’t planned anything yet c) have ruined the plans that they had ahead of time.
Was it always like this and I just wasn’t aware of it because I wasn’t a mom?
I remember my mom complaining about having to split Mother’s Day between her mom and my dad’s mom. That’s not my experience, since unfortunately, my mother-in-law passed away while I was pregnant with Ozzy and my mom lives in Argentina (where Mother’s Day is celebrated in October). So for me, it’s all about me. I’m the only mother in the picture.
My experience with Mother’s Day as a mother, has, of course, been limited. First year my husband had to go to work that day (I know, who does that? Employers, take note of what not to do to new parents) and so I spent the afternoon crying because I felt so lonely while I held our two-month-old baby. My second Mother’s Day was shortly after I had a miscarriage, we went out for early breakfast to a fancy place and beat the crowds, we spent the rest of the day napping. On my third Mother’s Day I was freshly postpartum with twins, in a pandemic, on a farm in the middle of nowhere Maine and my husband made me cry by gifting something so incredibly thoughtful (it was a paddleboard, not something ridiculous like a fancy piece of jewelry, sorry). This year I made reservations to take everyone to the Maine Wildlife Park, “Is that how you want to spend Mother’s Day?” my husband asked hesitantly, to which I replied that yes, I wanted a family activity that was not focused on me. I specifically asked my husband not to send me in on a solo experience (like a massage) on a Sunday, because I won’t be able to stop thinking about how I left him home with three little maniacs who like to run in opposite ways always and therefore not be able to fully relax (you can send me on a Monday though, you know I love massages).
But also, here’s the thing… The constant trying to out-do the previous year, or trying to have the “““““perfect””””” day like all the mom-fluencers and celebrities will be showing on their Instagram stories, the wanting your partner to read your mind without actually telling them what you want or need, it all to me sounds exhausting. When the stakes are so high to only be celebrated one day, a perfect day, an unforgettable day, it’s all a recipe for disaster.
I want to be appreciated for the monumental act my body accomplished every single day of my life. Once again: every. single. day. I want to be respected and loved by my partner and children always, not just on one particular Sunday. I want to be able to ask for a break from parenting when I need it, and also expect my husband to do the same when he needs it. Being a parent is fucking hard, exhausting, challenging, I don’t need a purely marketing-based date to ruin it all for me.
But also, like this NYTOpion piece by Margaret Renkl points out, it’s a soul-crushing day for those, like my husband, who have lost their mother. Or for those, like me, who have lost a pregnancy or a child. It’s a reminder for those who didn’t have a mother who loved them purely, no questions asked, of what they missed out on. It’s hard on all of us who have to keep distant from our parents because they still haven’t been able to get a vaccine (mine just got their first dose and I can’t wait to hug them so tight I squeeze the air out of them, kind of like Elmyra Duff hugging a kitten) and we want to keep them safe at all costs, after a year of so much loss.
Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s just another of my unpopular opinions. Or maybe we should tell Mother’s Day to go fuck itself and celebrate every time we need or want to be celebrated. Or even, not celebrate it at all.
And for those of you wondering, I did send my mother a present because she lives for this day, and I want nothing but for her to be happy after everything she did (and didn’t do) for me. So she’s getting a pretty bouquet of flowers and a Portal so she can see all her grandchildren on a screen bigger than her phone (because, you know, life for her is now them).
100% agree while also loving mother's day because i've just been privileged enough to be able to. Yes yes yes to this "I want to be able to ask for a break from parenting when I need it, and also expect my husband to do the same when he needs it." And also love that you still bought your mom a present because she values that and that's fine too <3